I never got around to finishing my last post…I ended on Briana. Who, although I am ashamed of, I still love. I know that there’s still a good person in there, maybe way deep in there…I have to keep my faith that she’ll get over this stage of life relatively unharmed with a big lesson learned. And with great motivation to succeed at life…but that’s with the high hopes that I have for her.

Now onto the person that I call the biggest disappointment of my life, which coming from my mind is a lot. I’ve been disappointed and hurt quiet badly in my life before, but none like this. Of coarse I could just be saying this because when bad things happen to me I just try and remember the lesson and forget the rest…not just forget but maybe block out of my mind. I’m not sure. I remember a lot of being hurt…I remember crying myself to sleep many many night in 8th grade…I remember the suicidal times, from that I learned that it would never be right to resort to suicide, no matter how bad the pain. Which was tough during this particular whole ordeal. I wanted to literally hide in a corner…which is the mental image I’d use to divert my mind from the ease of death, which I now think is the cowards way out. Which is why I’m not a coward, no matter what anyone else thinks, I’m stronger than resorting to death. Which I can, with high faith, say that I’ve conquered…by saying this I mean suicide and not death in itself…and I’ve gotten sidetracked on who I am and not who he is…but the cowardice part snaps me back into focus.

Yes, if you didn’t get that subtle insult, I just called him a coward, because after talking to Trixi I’ve realized that’s what he really is. That’s what he was when I first met him and to my utter surprise and shock and hurt…he still is. He’s made no growth since I’ve known him…maybe that’s part of my disappointment. That he hasn’t grown or learned anything…I’m not trying to be conceded, but I’d like to think that  I can subtly teach  through friendship…maybe that is always in the back of my mind…and with him I’ve failed horrible…It’s like  he doesn’t retain anything, unlike his brother who takes things, dwells and thrives from what he’s learned. But in Josh’s case things happen then he totally disregards them, like they never happened…in more blunt words…he doesn’t learn shit. I’m not calling him dumb, because even in my hurt and angered state I would never call him that…because in my mind it isn’t true…also because it would hurt his fragile feelings and in his stubborn pig-headedness he would act like a girl and tell people that nothing is wrong when really he’s upset that I’ve called him dumb. I mean I have called him dumb in the past to his face, but i never meant it, and even when I was angry at him and people tried to make me feel better by calling him names I would defend him…why the hell did I do that? Now looking back I wish I hadn’t, because he obviously wouldn’t have defended me. But really I knew why…because I thought he was my best friend and I loved him like family…and to me just one of those two things constitutes loyalty beyond no other. Any friendship with a person who I can truly call a friend means they have my loyalty and my backing. I would have thought he knew that, but sadly anything I told him just went from one ear and out the other. I didn’t realize that this happened and was wasted in my efforts of friendship…

I don’t know what to really say…all of these sentences are run-on and incoherent…just like the thoughts  in my mind…and just as I’m thinking of them…I’m writing them down…well more like typing them out, but what ev. So yeah the above is part of the disappointment…and why I hate people…to recap it’s because he hasn’t learned anything…hopefully I can show that through the course of some weird timeline through words…but most likely I will get sidetracked again… I hope you, as a reader, can follow along. This is actually a timeline of cowardice, which is a huge part of the disappointment. (oh and if you’re angry by the end of this just wait until the end to loathe me, but seeing as you are not on my side I wouldn’t understand why you are reading this in the first place) Anyway this is what I’ve deduced from what I’ve been told. So a lot of people used to ask me why Josh and I never went out because he knew that I used to like him and apparently he used to like me…and there used to be some kind of draw between us…I would always answer with a “I don’t know, it just never happened,” or an “It would never work out, we argue too much.” Which is true, but not the only reason…you can only like someone for so long before you realize nothing is going to happen. I mean were close enough to stay what I thought were close friends, and really it could have worked between us if we tried (which I’m so glad we didn’t because I ended up with the best boyfriend that I’ve ever had) but the reason a relationship didn’t happen and I just stopped with him is because of his cowardice…in this case it would be because of initiating a relationship. I was told that he did like me, but he didn’t want to ask me out…he wanted me to do it, which i thought was bull caca…showing me the coward of who he was…so I moved on. Eventually me and Bryan started going out…despite his going off to college, there was a draw towards him and a risk was taken…a great risk…and like the card he gave me say “So glad we took the chance”. In my happiness of this new relationship I didn’t realize the flaw, excluding the long-distance part, which were Josh’s feelings…but in my mind I figured that he obviously didn’t like me enough to ask me out and we were good friends, and that he would get over it…which he did, but going into this relationship I was selfish…I know that. I was into how happy I was…I didn’t consider the feelings of other…I hurt Jenkey…which was completely unintended…I never imagined that it would have hurt Josh too. I mean someone told me that he felt that it happened really fast and he didn’t realize what went on…but not until way later was I told that it hurt him. Which in a way brings out another one of his cowardice… I mean I valued his friendship above all else… If he had just told me that it hurt him or bothered him in any way I would have taken that into consideration…and (babe if you read this it was back then and most def not now) if he had asked me not to go out with Bryan, without any excuse why, I would have broken up with him…no questions asked…but as usual he didn’t tell me anything…which was another problem with our unfair friendship, but that is to be saved for another day…or was already written about…I think the latter of the two…and if not what ev to that…I think, and hope, that this will be the last blog about him…because the pain has subsided, at least most of it, and the disappointment remains…but dwelling on it will get me no where…so anyway onto the last of the timeline…if you’ve followed it then you must be a genius cuz yeah iono…I just think you are. As after the hurt and pain I was ready to get over it and be cordial to each other…but then I found out about the fucking and the lies and henceforth the disappointment, but once the disgust subsided from that and most was pushed out of my mind a new episode of cowardice reared it’s ugly head.

He says because I won’t try he won’t for this friendship…it obviously didn’t mean enough to him…he didn’t want to push at all…he didn’t push at all. I knew that it didn’t mean much to him because he was talking badly behind my back…another hurtful truth, but for some reason I still clung to hope that spending the year together would mean a little something to him…yet again I was horribly mistaken…like a coward he gave up…I mean I gave up to, but not because I wanted to…NOT because I was a coward…but because, yet again, I was hurt…I didn’t have the strength to go any further…to try any harder. I was wouded, let’s just say, but I think in the back of my head I hoped for the best…me and my damn hope that gets me nowhere. I thought that him being the stronger of the two parties, meaning he was the hurter and i was the hurtee) that he would try…because honestly I would have let him do so…he could have broken that wall down with a simple apology…yes yes I know he had apologized before unsuccessfully but only because it was general and half-asked….he had no idea what he was apologizing for, therefore how could he have felt any kind of real remorse for the situation. Not only is it that he didn’t want to try, but by saying that it was because I wasn’t trying was doing what only a true baby would do…he was taking the blame off of himself and putting it on me…it was because of me that he didn’t try…apparently there was no push to do so. It was all my fault…it must have been my fault…ME the one he had hurt (if you don’t sense the sarcasm then lord help you). Yet again…like for many things he would not take the blame…any blame as a matter of fact. I’m not saying I’m a saint or anything…I know I have blame to claim…I’m not an ignorant baboon like he is…but to place all the blame on me is true cowardice. The next thing is that he wanted ME to apologize to HIM…my reaction to that was FUCK THAT…he must be fucking out of his mind to want that request…After I spent nights crying myself to sleep, feeling abandoned and wounded, after feeling betrayed with a deep plunge of loss of faith, after being back-stabbed and mentally beat down…he wanted me to apologize to him…the one who caused all the hurt and anguish…the one who won’t even try. That has to be pure insanity. I mean I’ve been hurt and let down and bruised and broken mentally before, but never had I been insulted after it’s happened…okay I lie…i just remembered that it happened once before but on a lesser scale because it was not so close to me…but I did it…because it was for my mother’s sake…but this is a strike to me personally…direct to the heart…just when I thought it was all going to be okay…that fucking asshole wants me to apologize…I swear he must have caught a mental disease from his girlfriend…I kno, I kno what a low blow, especially since I pray for her once and a while…despite me loathing who she is and all of her being, but I do feel sorry for her and what ales her, and I know you can’t catch mental diseases…and at this point I would be angry because of the mention of this…but that’s just how pissed I am. Plus he’s probably getting angry to defend her, something he would never do for me…but this should seem obvious because they are fucking around…and being disgusting, which is an explanation of why they are so attatched. But yeah… Putting all the blame on me and asking for an apology…fuck no…he has shown his true colors…which is a caca puke brown color…the color of a true COWARD!!!

I think I’m done…actually there is a lot that I left out…like about the still caring and being angry at myself for it…and the he doesn’t hate me part…but I’m guessing after reading this…if somehow someone shows him this he will hate me…and no matter how much I’m still concerned for him I don’t care if he hates me…because just like it has been in most of our friendship…I have to be the bigger person, because the baby obviously can’t be…I was sick of being the bigger person…but I’ve gathered what’s left of my strength and energy ad done it one last time…I’m coming out the bigger person. I didn’t lie to Trixi when I told her I’d be okay eventually…she knows that I can pull myself back up…I just take time to heal like everyone else…one day I’ll look back on all of this like a bad dream. I know that I’ll be okay, him on the other hand will find someone else to baby him…and all life will go on.