This wordpress is done…time to blog somewhere new…away from the unwanted eyes that only cause trouble. If you look hard enough you will find the new…well if you know me well enough I guess…good luck!
There really is no longer a use in trying. I’m giving up on all aspects of life…at least until school starts, then I’m going to have to at least try in that. I’m sick of trying. My spirits are officially broken. I was going to switch to livejournal but at the moment it’s too much of a hassle. I just feel like going back to my corner and sleeping…it’s time to go back into hiding and let myself heal, but the problem is…with this time there is nothing left in me to try and heal myself. I just don’t care anymore. If I could I would stay away forever, just stay in hiding. I don’t want to come out. I’m seriously just a shell with a big facade in front. There really is nothing going on inside anymore. I am seriously broken.
well this one isn’t inspiration it’s just wanting…
This one is semi inspiration for college and for boundaries that I think I already know but just in case…
I think I lied…I mean I didn’t lie when it was written but now it’s a lie. The entry before this talks about caring and not being able to stop…I think I found the perfect catalyst for change. For me to not care anymore…it’s something that is once again heart breaking and hurts so much from the disappointment. Not because the actual words get to me because I know what the truth is so that doesn’t phase me, but the pettiness of people and the way rumors spread and originate is just such a caca thing to do. You know despite you thinking someone is your friend, they still are willing to spread rumors about you…especially if they like to gossip. And they’ll believe it despite the fact that you think that they would know your character better. At the end of this blog I shall set everything straight…and if people are willing to read then they shall know the truth behind the rumors. With the rumors I can remember there will be commentary obviously.
I just realized what kind of blog this is…it’s not a blog written out of angst (which it should be) but one written like a documentary. It’s not the kind of blog where I write something like…
My life has disappointed me again…why me? Why does the pain keep coming back to me…what is the lesson to be learned… blah blah blah.
I think I’m over writing things like that at the moment because it takes me less time to get over this…As sad as it is, because it just means that it’s happening so often that I can just bounce back…even tho in reality it’s not bouncing back…It’s just pushing back into my emotional pouch so that I can just hide it away like everything else….meaning that I’m just getting really good at hiding this shit.
I had much more to say…but after a convo with Dre and being very spaced out at the moment I’ll just head to the rumors…maybe I’ll write the other thoughts as they come back to me another time…but knowing how lazy I am I doubt that I will…
So I’m quiet out of it so I’ll just address the two that really bother me. First being the lesser of the two evils.
1. I’m not friends with Josh anymore because I’m jealous of Kim.
…you have to be kidding me right? First of all things started turning sour between Josh and I before they started hanging out…they started out becoming close because he confided in her about the problems that he was having with me…which btw was not in confidence because she told myself and others what he had been saying. There would be no way that I could be jealous of her because I’m more fortunate than her in many ways. In my honest opinion I have the better boyfriend (which leads to the next rumor, but not yet), I’m straightforward with people (meaning that If I talked shit, then I would say it to their face too, and I don’t talk shit about the people that are actually there for me like she does), I have a clear head on my shoulders, there are other things…but most of all I have much more faith…My belief and religion is much stronger and weighs much more in my morals and decisions. There isn’t a possibility of any jealousy…because in all actuallity I feel bad for her most of the time…and at times I pity her instead of think badly of her and I will add her to my prayers because no one should have a life as bad as she has it in some ways.
2. I couldn’t get Josh as a boyfriend, so I settled for his brother instead.
This one is the most hurtful…because aside from bringing my image down it brings Bryan down in all this drama. He has no part in this…and this rumor was just extremely hurtful. First off that was not the case at all. I actually chose Bryan over Josh…I could have still pursued it…and we probably could have gone out…but we didn’t for many reasons. One being that I viewed Josh as someone who had no, for lack of a better word, balls. He wanted me to ask him out…and I’m not for that. I wasn’t for a guy who couldn’t even stand up for himself enough to be the man of a relationship. Another reason being that he and I fought quiet often, and many times ended with moods an tempers flared…that wouldn’t have been healthy…fun maybe, but healthy no. Another reason having nothing to do with Josh at all…it’s that Bryan was very sweet and funny in his own way that made me smile. Not just one of those “haha” smile…but a real smile…something that I needed after going through a hard time. Bryan was and is the right choice for me…there was no mistaking that, especially now. He’s someone I could trust…who defends me…If Josh and I had gotten together I’m certain, now more than ever, that I would never have been defended…he wouldn’t take my side as i had for him in our friendship, but Bryan is what I thought then and know now is what I needed. I didn’t settle for Bryan…I traded up. He knows more about me that most people do…because I trust him, because he defends me, because in my eyes…his heart is pure…his intentions, honorable…and his smile, genuine. Whoever started that rumor (and I’m pretty sure I know who…but will not say until it’s confirmed) is a cruel person for thinking that Bryan is like a booby prize and comes second to Josh…it’s not like that at all. I hold Bryan in very high esteem and Josh is seen to me as just another guy who disappointed and hurt me in my life.
Rumors shouldn’t be spread…I mean I know that it can’t be helped or stopped, and with the words it’s hard to get me as long as I know the truth…the part that Hurts is the principle behind the rumors…the fact that they are being spread and started with someone spreading a blatant lie…it’s shameful and petty. Started with someone who obviously has some insecurity about themselves and wants to make the others look badly. But you have to hold your head High and strong and push thru it…
I will overcome this yet again because I know it’s what I must do…brush it off and move forward…leaving those who spread and started them behind in the dirty mess that they made for themselves. Maybe one day they’ll catch up…they’ll realize that they are in the wrong and were being ignorant and dumb, but for now I’m out of the mud and am going to move on…it really is time to move on…but with my life as it has been this year I’ll prolly be writing about something like this again. Oh well Asi es La Vida…that’s life.
Alto…meaning stop in spanish…at least according to the Stop signs in Mexico…
I just wish I could stop caring…convince myself of otherwise….why can’t I just forget and stop really caring…ahhh
The past few days have been like a warped sort of reunion…seeing past Y people, people I used to play sports with, this guy from elementary school (who i didn’t remember…and i felt bad), I saw tons of middle school people…iono it’s just a whirl wind of the past…kinda cool…kinda whoa. I’m surprised how many people remember me…except for one girl that used to be a bitch…but i guess that’s karma for not remembering Chris…yaw. In the next few weeks I’m sure I’ll see more.
Gosh I hope it’s the last time that, for lack of better words, the shit has to settle. Things are working out…and by golly hope is starting to return. Throught the good faith and lives of certain people my hope is yet again returning. This means my mind is prepping for another big “spill”, another hurtful moment…another…anything. I’m scared to let it return to it’s full extent…because everytime the barrier goes down the pain goes up, but how could I allow myself to live in a world without hope, without looking on the brighter side of life. It’s time to move on. with school a little over a month away, it’s time for a fresh start…time to leave some behind…as sad as it sounds. I mena I will always have to the group to visit. I’ll have Trixo and them to be with, but the fatties are kinda lost to me already…Those who I was close to senior year…we’ve parted ways…it’s been accepted and i feel we will eventually run into one another again. And of coarse there’s Linh…I promise I will not lose touch with her, my pal who can tell me to shut up…who shares my random taste in music, who watches random funny and sad movies with me. Jessica and I will talk on and off… Chris and them I hope road trip to visit. And lastly there’s my Bubba…I wonder how we’re gonna take on this challenge. Me with a car and him without…barely getting to see each other…it’s hard enough getting off the phone with him now…what’ll become of my school ife when I can’t get off the phone…I dunno. And when the inevitable happens and we do “part ways” what will really become of us. We say now that we’ll stay friends…but can you really stay friends with an ex? In the last book I read it was an impossible feat. I really don’t know…I mena we cant’ stay together forever…but sometimes I wish time would just stop for a while…as corny as that sounds. This year is gonna be a challenge…just like the last but with more obstacles…but I think I’m regaining my stregth enough to face it head on. At least I hope so…hopefully some of the fear leaves me.
In a way I want to move on with my life…as in start fresh. I want to forget the past…the problems…just move on, but how do you move on with such strong ties to the past…even strong ties to the hurt. I mean I have ties to such great friends: Trixi, Jessica, Linh, Philip, but to stay connected is not a fresh start, but maybe having these ties keeps me grounded. I know I have these people to help me out…to make me laugh…to talk smack and gossip(LINH…lol) jus to let loose and be me with. hmm confusion clouds my thoughts…yes that was in Yoda speak. Oh well I’m just typing pure nonsense and yaw…
I realized no one eally reads this cuz i write in huge paragraphs…lol how funny…but whatever I’m glad…cuz those who care actually do take the time…but otherwise I’m just getting my random thoughts and shizz out of my brain…emptying out my already empty head…even tho it is actually really full with random shit…eh it’s confusion again…peace, love, and bubble gum. ^_^
eight years later
Time goes by fast
Got my memories
And they will last
I try to keep it simple cause I hate goodbyes
I try to keep it simple by telling myself that
I, I will remember you
And all of the things that we’ve gone through
There is so much I could say
But words get in the way so
We’re not together
I will remember you
I will remember you
We’re a picture in my mind
And when I wanna find you
I just close my eyes
You’ll never be that far from me
So don’t say goodbye cause
You’ll never be that far from me
I’m telling myself that
I, I will remember you
And all of the things that we’ve gone through
There is so much I could say
But words get in the way so
We’re not together
I will remember you
You were there when I needed a friend
Thank you, thank you
I never told you how much that meant
God thank you, thank you
I will remember you
And all of the things that we’ve gone through
There is so much I could say
But words get in the way so
I, I will remember you
And all of the things that we’ve gone through
There is so much I could say
But words get in the way so
We’re not together
I will remember
We’re not together
I will remember you
I will remember you
I was just watching the finale of SYTYCD and I love this song…it’s just so befitting to life…iono. I love it…thank you Ryan Cabrera…put’s one of those bittersweet smiles on my face.
It’s come that time again…that time that I hoped would never come again. The disappoint that a daughter never wishes to feel in her father, but yet again the disappointment is there…along with the hurt that has yet again settled in my heart. Making it, once again, hart to find trust in others. Why is it that once I finally start to heal from one situation, another one presents itself. I swear this year is just the year of no break time. I mean c’mon really… I have all of about 2 weeks grace time from heartbreak to yet another heartbreak. It’s actually quiet difficult to keep going through this…I mean as it already was…I have trust issues…which was a big factor in why the last “brutal beating” was so hard…but when, once again, I put my faith back into trust…it is shattered. I really don’t know how much more of this I can take. I don’t think I have the strength enough to build back up. Really after the last breaking of trust and breaking of my heart I didn’t think I would be able to heal again…but thankfully I had camp…despite how hard it all was it still built me back up…coming back renewed my faith…as it always does. It showed me the strength and bond in camp and friendship, it brought back the stregth that was hidden within, through the power of innocence of children and, as corny as it sounds, the strength in their belief and just the power of youth…it just all brought it back…yes meekly, but it was back…just to be brought back down as soon as I went back home. The strength was diminished…so here is where the fear sets in.
I’m afraid. It’s that plain and simple. I am afraid of being hurt yet again. I mean can you blame me. Looking back on my life I’ve only been hurt, truly hurt, by those who I have truly loved and cared for. My father hurt me, emotionally, more than enough times, and yet I haven’t learned. My mother has hurt me through disappointment and betrayal. I’m scared to finish my last gold goal because I’m scared that my brother will end up hurting and disappointing me. The two people I thought were my best friends hurt me in two ways…Briana through disappointment, even tho we are still close friends, it’s just not the same, and of coarse Josh through disappointment and betrayal…and I guess more, but yeah. Even Bryan has said some pretty hurtful things to me. I know he felt bad for them…and I could have helped him out a little…but it has just been hard with the hardships that I was going through. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life anymore…how does one go through life without any trust. I’m scared to be with Bryan…because I’m scared of getting hurt. It took me a while to full on trust him and let him see who I am…but I’m regressing back to those times…I mean it’s hard not to because just look at what happens when I do trust. For a while the fear was gone…the fear of Bryan hurting me was gone…just to come back cautiously…now to be full on. I can’t take another disappointment. I am yet again sheltering myself from life. I need time to heal…time that I have a feeling will end just to bring on another hurtful moment…but that’s part of the fear. Who is there left to really hurt me…with the poser of deduction all that is really left is Bryan…everyone else has already hurt me pretty badly…and Bryan has only hurt me mildly…I guess through the power of fate, because that is what causes me hurt, it has to be Bryan. My life is just a lot of hurt…frankly, I’m quiete sick of it, but there is nothing I can do about it except to accept it, go through it, and live on. It’s just another one of those many tests that God has been giving me… I would just like to know why.
I want that moment in the movie “The Holiday” where Kate Winslet’s character realizes that she is liberated and free…The moment that there is that you realize that there are no connections…totally free as a bird…gosh that would be an awesome moment.
